


Grab Onto My Hand, and I'll Hold it Tightly

by wedontslave



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Fun, Life Partners, Sad, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:33:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29900454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wedontslave/pseuds/wedontslave
Summary: It has been six years since Clarke and Lexa met. Six years of pure happiness. They had stable careers, an amazing life.That was until one life-changing event knocked both their lives off course.And now? They are scrambling for every minute, every second they can scrape together before they are forced to let each other go.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	Grab Onto My Hand, and I'll Hold it Tightly

**Author's Note:**

> Something I found on my computer :3  
> Very angsty beginning but I hope you enjoy it anyway.
> 
> Sets place in modern-day Pennsylvania.

One picture in particular, from her whole stack of frozen memories, was the panacea for times like this. It helped to alleviate the dull sense of longing in her heart.

Lexa Woods chuckled at the sight: it was of her and Clarke in the corner of a dimly-lit restaurant, grinning animatedly at the camera. It was taken on their first date together about six years ago. Clarke had a bit of lamb sauce at the edge of her mouth. _An imperfection_ , Clarke would say with a cute wrinkle of her nose. But to Lexa, that was the magic of the photograph. It signified when it all began, and the naturalness of it only enhanced the vividness of the cherished moment.

Subconsciously tracing the smooth piece of oxidising paper, wiping away the blotch of red sauce from Clarke’s mouth, Lexa’s vision panned upwards to the glorious view that accompanied her high apartment floor location. The busy Philadelphian traffic buzzed and honked beneath her; slowly swinging her vision further up she could see more and more of the landscape that was nearing crimson red at the horizon from the receding sunlight. The clouds were a dark shade of grey on one side, almost like a storm cloud and bright, fluff white on the other. It reminded of what she was with Clarke—opposite, complementing, like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

It had been three days since Clarke left for a business trip that she had to attend in another city. Three days of a cold bed, living in solitude. But that was okay—Clarke was due back any second. To celebrate the occasion of yet another successful business trip, Lexa decided to go out of her comfort zone: creating beef lasagne from scratch. It took three recipes and a lot of frustration, but since she knew how much Clarke loved it, she persisted. It all worked out in the end, so she was more than excited to see Clarke’s reaction to her efforts. She didn’t cook much, after all—Clarke was and will always be the better cook.

Plating took a while. But when she was finally satisfied with the results, she set the piping hot meal on their dining table, quickly followed up with two glasses of orange juice. She then lit up a candle and set it carefully between the two plates in the dead centre of the table, smiling to herself when she stood back to admire her handiwork. She had never been good at things like this—Clarke was going to be so happy! She could not wait to see Clarke’s awed expression when she sets foot in here.

As if on cue, she heard footsteps from outside her apartment, so she headed towards the front door. She found solace with each self-effacing step she took: her plimsolls made a soft clack on the wooden, uncarpeted floor. It was comforting and serene, a complete contrast to the busy and fast-paced world out there, outside her cosy apartment. As she opened the door, she could see Clarke in a thick, furry coat, huffing out cold air as she made her way up the stairs. Her ears were slightly pink from the cold, and her beautiful cerulean eyes were slightly dull, probably from all the work that she did. It made sense: she was probably exhausted, having travelled for hours after endless amounts of paperwork. Nevertheless, Clarke was probably still the most beautiful woman that Lexa had ever set her eyes upon. She loved her so much.

“You’re back,” Lexa breathed happily, bounding out and meeting Clarke halfway. “I missed you,” she whispered, taking the blonde’s chilly hand and leading her into the warm confines of their beloved flat.

“Yeah.”

Lexa waited for more. But none came.

“Are you okay?” she asked, eyebrows creasing slightly, trying to obtain any form of eye-contact. But either the floor was incredibly interesting, or Clarke was determinedly avoiding Lexa’s gaze.

“Mm-hmm.”

“You just going to stare at your shoes?” Lexa jested with a ghost of a smile. “Or are you going to give me a hug?”

Clarke finally looked up, warm cerulean eyes sparkling under the faint light.

“Okay.”

Before Lexa could move a muscle, Clarke had wrapped her whole form around Lexa’s waist, her body, and all the brunette could feel was the luscious curves and flowery scent of her girlfriend.

The hug lasted a while. No words were exchanged, just deep inhales and exhales.

And it was over. Clarke pulled away, fingers trailing for one last fleeting touch before all contact was broken. Then her eyes opened, and Lexa nearly stumbled backwards at the sight.

The small specks of blue formerly present were gone, and replaced with a smouldering grey inferno. Her eyes were completely cold, steeled, poised. It reminded Lexa of Clarke when she was at court, in what she liked to call ‘lawyer mode’, determined to win the case.

“C-Clarke?” Lexa intoned tentatively.

A pregnant pause ensued.

“Erm…” Lexa drawled. She had no idea why Clarke was acting like this. Perhaps something horrible happened at work that got Clarke so down. The food has got to help cheer her up, right? “Come, I made your favourite,” Lexa mustered a small smile, grabbing pale wrists before Clarke could answer and leading her straight towards the meticulously set dining table.

The first few minutes were incredibly awkward. At least Clarke was eating; Lexa confided in the fact that Clarke couldn’t resist her amazing food. The thought was enough to make her crack a smile.

But enough was enough. Dinner with a long-term girlfriend should never feel this tense.

“So, how was your trip?”

Clarke jolted, fork landing on porcelain with a loud clatter.

“It was okay,” Clarke replied quietly, picking up the cutlery.

“Come on, tell me more,” Lexa leaned forward, trying to get Clarke to match her tentative grin at the very least. “You know I love it when you talk.”

“Well,” Clarke cleared her throat. “I guess a lot of paperwork, a lot of reading. I also did a bit of writing today, I’m preparing for some case about fraud or something like that, I don’t know that much about it yet.”

“Okay,” Lexa nodded encouragingly. “I bet you’ll ace it like you always do, Clarke. I’m so proud of you.”

“Right.”

Clarke’s laconic responses were starting to worry the brunette immensely now. What on earth was going on?

“Hey,” Lexa whispered, reaching over and putting her hand on top of the blonde’s, halting her eating. “Is there something on your mind? You… don’t seem like yourself today.”

“Lots,” Clarke’s chilling, taut stare was back on Lexa’s eyes again. “You have no idea.”

“So give me an idea then,” Lexa pleaded. “You’re unhappy, anyone can sense it from a mile away. Don’t shut me out, please, I can help you.”

Clarke pursed her lips and squeezed her eyes shut. Lexa could swear she could see a little glistening at the corners, but before she could dwell on it Clarke’s almost grey eyes were on her again.

“Fine. Since you wanted to know.” There was a slight tremor in her voice that didn’t go unnoticed. “I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past two days when I was away, Lexa, and I don’t think we’re meant to be.”

Lexa felt as if a brunt force shoved her backwards. That was the last thing she expected to come out of Clarke’s normally sweet mouth.

“W-What?” was all Lexa could gasp out in her state of shock.

“I’ve been seeing someone, Lexa, someone who opened my eyes. Someone who made me realise that what we had was just a phase, a fun fling, one that doesn’t last.”

A phase? A fun fling? Those words reverberated around Lexa’s head, inflicting the pain those words caused perpetually.

“Who?” Lexa really couldn’t say more than that. This came out of nowhere. She could swear that less than a week ago they were fine.

“I don’t think you know him,” Clarke spoke monotonously. “His name is Finn Collins, and he’s the nicest man you’ll ever meet. The one for me. One who you will never be.”

Those unrelenting words stung and stuck to Lexa’s heart like a blade. Clarke was behaving so out of character, never could Lexa imagine such words come out of her so harshly.

“H-How long?”

_What are you doing, Lexa, you idiot? Try say something more than two words long, would you?_

“A couple of weeks, which _easily_ trumps the six years we had,” Clarke shrugged, speaking through gritted teeth.

“ _Easily_?” Lexa parroted forlornly. “Clarke, are you seriously going to give up six years of us for a man you’ve known for a few weeks?”

“Have you not heard a word I said?”

“Do you not remember the time we met?” Lexa pressed, feeling tears staining her cheeks and collar. “You tripped over my leg, and I caught you. Do you not remember that? Do you not remember how Friday was our date night, how we had so much fun? Do you not remember how happy we were when we moved in here three years ago?”

“Like I said, a phase,” Clarke snapped. “I’m sorry, Lexa, but we’re just not meant to be. I’m not a _lesbian_ ,” she wrinkled her nose. “It was fun, but I can never be with someone like you.”

The way Clarke said ‘lesbian’, made fire scale up Lexa’s body and mind explode in a fit of sudden, unadulterated rage.

“Someone like me?” Lexa echoed, scowling. “So that’s it then? You’re going to come in here, tell me you’re not gay, despite all the _gay_ things you seemed to enjoy so much a few days ago, tell me you found love with another man, cheated on me?”

“Well done,” Clarke even went as far as to clap her hands sarcastically. “You can listen.”

“Fuck you, Clarke,” Lexa had never sworn towards her girlfriend before, but she was so angry; she could only see red. “Who knew you were such a whore? Spreading your legs for middle-aged men in your law firm, I bet. ‘Opening your eyes’, ha, sure. I know that what we had was not _a phase_ , but if that’s what you think, I’m not going to stop you. A six-year fling my ass,” she scoffed.

Clarke’s jaw slackened with hurt for a split second before her expression hardened.

“Maybe I shouldn’t be here anymore,” she mumbled, standing up.

“Yeah, no shit,” Lexa snatched Clarke’s plate away from the blonde’s grasp and shoved her, not harshly but enough to send her stumbling a few steps back. “Leave! And don’t think about coming back!”

Clarke pursed her lips and simply nodded, not saying another word. She trudged towards the door dejectedly, slipping her shoes back on and grabbing her bag.

“W-Wait…” Lexa’s anger dissipated as quickly as it came and desperation took its place. “I didn’t mean that, Clarke, please, we can talk it out. I’m so sorry, please stay?” she begged, rushing to the blonde who already had her hand on the handle.

“You’re right, I’m a whore,” she smiled glumly, eyes no longer steely but flickering weakly with what looked suspiciously like regret. “You’re better without me anyway.”

“I didn’t mean that!” Lexa shouted frantically. “Please—” she was abruptly cut off by the slam of the door behind her.

Clarke had left without a backwards glance.

Lexa stood there, shocked, frozen, staring at where Clarke stood seconds ago. She had considered chasing the blonde, but what would she even say?

She knew that she should be feeling angry, furious, betrayed, that Clarke had been seeing people behind her back. But she no longer felt any of these things. The tears came uncontrollably, and before she knew it she was face down on _their_ bed, completely drained and humiliated. She didn’t care how her pillow was getting damp with tears. She just cried and cried until her eyes felt like they were going to pop out from all the swelling, until the base of her nose hurt from blowing on all the tissue paper.

The unfinished lasagne was left to cool, forgotten, on the dining table, untouched.

* * *

Clarke Griffin waited for minutes outside the dark door of what she called home for so long, hoping that Lexa would come out to chase her.

But she didn’t. Clarke shouldn’t have been surprised. She destroyed them, their _love_ , in a matter of minutes.

_I went way too far. What on earth did I do?_

That was the only thought in her head as she descended the stairs and out towards their car. She walked briskly, letting the cold autumn air whip her across the face. It was freezing—she had forgotten her coat in her haste to leave, so she was shivering and trembling both from the cold and her tears. She deserved it: she deserved to suffer, after what she had done to Lexa.

As soon as she got into her car, which was considerably warmer, she blew her nose with the tissue that was set near the windscreen. Gulping and swallowing down the bile that rose in her throat, she set the car in motion. She had to get the hell out of here.

She had done the right thing, right? She had to do what she did, to make Lexa hate her and leave her behind. She didn’t want Lexa right next to her when she… no, she didn’t want to think about that. The thought alone scared her.

But was it really worth it, shattering the love of her life’s heart? The expression that Lexa had was full of so much raw pain, vulnerability and hurt that it made Clarke want to cry even more. She still loved Lexa, so much. But Lexa did not need another burden.

She hadn’t been cheating. She would never. But she had to play the part. She had to do it.

She drove for a few blocks before she really couldn’t keep the tears in for any longer. Her vision blurred and clouded with tears, and since it wasn’t safe to drive in the dark with such vision, she stopped at the side of the pavement.

That was when the real tears came. With choked gasps that ripped all the air from her lungs, unforgiving beads cascaded down the curves of her face, and they wouldn’t stop. They almost felt like a torrent of blood, never-ending, bleeding her to death. She thought that she might as well die now because her heart was throbbing with such intense emotional pain, and she didn’t think that she could take much more.

She was a monster. Why did she have to come and ruin Lexa’s life?

She destroyed the best thing she ever had into smithereens, beyond repair. There was no saving them now.

At least she had spared Lexa all the emotional pain that would inevitably come.

_What the hell do I do now?_

The tears drained her out, but torturously kept her awake.

But mercifully, she eventually fell asleep in her car because she no longer had any energy to cry, let alone drive.

**Author's Note:**

> Tags are subject to change in the future... I think?


End file.
